It’s a day before I turn 30. And here is what I feel…
So many things happened not the way I wanted, but I guess they happened the way they needed to.
I have not achieved some great success. Tomorrow there will be no fanfare, and I will not have any big celebration.
In past years, on my birthday, I met with friends. We had cozy evenings with good food, music, deep conversations, and beautiful sunsets. This year, I am in a stretched-out uncertainty. But only if we speak about the outside.
Maybe 30 is an important number. For some reason, I felt it that way. I had an image of where I should be and who I should be by now, and realizing that it was not going to happen broke me from the inside.
But no number should be more important than reality. And this is one of the most valuable lessons.
My life from 25 to 30 was very strange. Ups and downs, and then a lot of climbing, and emptiness. I saw myself in every possible state. Sometimes I was disgusting to myself, and sometimes I was a source of inspiration and support for dozens of other people. But most importantly, I never betrayed my values, and I did the best I could in the moment. Here and now.
In these 5 years, I went through divorce, war, alienation, migration, loss, poverty, helplessness, desperation, hope, success, helplessness again, despair, the feeling that there is no place where you are truly welcome, but also closeness, vulnerability, the feeling of being my true self, and support from people and the world in places where you do not expect it, in moments when it seemed like this was the end.
Often I wanted to stay quiet and “not show up” — because this is politics, and this is reality, and sometimes it was simply shameful or uncomfortable. And I was quiet often. I stayed silent when I really wanted to scream. But honestly… Here is what I think.
Life does not have to be flowers, and it will not be. Life is everything — blossoms, shit, and sometimes shit with blossoms in it. Sometimes you have to swim through things you wish did not exist. Sometimes, looking back, I could have influenced something. Hypothetically. But eventually… I could not.
Everybody has the right to fuck up. But it does not mean you have to stay there forever and sink. We are too demanding of ourselves when it does not really matter. Nobody is perfect. Nobody knows what will happen, or what should have happened, until… it happens. The main thing is not what was, but what you do with it, and who you remain after it — for yourself. As someone who has always had very high standards for himself, I can tell you for sure: if I could have done it differently, I would… But here we are, and it is what it is. So let’s move on. Leave the past as it is.
You have the right not to give a fuck. Some people think they have the right to judge you. Do they have so much energy that their own life is not enough? Do they think they know your decisions, your motivation, and your intentions better than you do? And do you believe them? Ten years will pass, and those who tell you how you should live now, those who examine your decisions under a magnifying glass — where will they be in 10 years? Will they take responsibility for any of their judgments or advice? And where were they, and who were they, 10 years ago? And will any of this really matter to you in 3 months, or even 3 weeks?
Life is too short to play someone else. I lost so much valuable time because I did not allow myself to live. I thought: just a few more months on the edge, and it will get better. I will help my close ones, give everything I can, and then, if I do more, I will be able to take care of myself too. Always on the edge. Always trying to be better. I thought my big dreams did not matter — because it was not the time, because there were more important things, because I had to lower my head and keep grinding, because I had to roll up my sleeves and grit my teeth. But the years went by, and what actually happened was that I missed many precious moments because when it was time to live them, I was somewhere else. And then the critical moment came — and everyone suffered, because I did not take care of myself, and my foundation collapsed.
So find time to live. Find time to take care of yourself. Build your foundation. Grow roots — it is a privilege, and if you have it, use it.
Do not live life with your eyes closed. For every question about what you should do, there will be 10 answers from AI, from articles, from YouTubers — and if you listen to them, you will start living out their ideas about your life. Listen to yourself. You have to become truly quiet to hear.
The feeling of strength came to me when I learned to accept the full spectrum. And the biggest lesson was to see what is happening with my eyes open. Even when it is unpleasant and painful to accept life as it is right now — because it is still my life. This is my life as it is. Not forever, not permanently, but this is the point I am in, this is the process I am living through, and most importantly — there is still a place I want to reach, and a person I want to become.
But I will not become that person by driving my soul with a whip, or by following other people’s paths. To become that person, I need to give up everything I am not, so I can allow who I truly am to reveal itself and happen through me.
Responsibility is the gift of living the life you choose. The whole point is to act in the given moment, then see reality, and then re-act again with that new reality taken into account.
The cost of inaction is real, and it is much higher than the cost of trying and making mistakes. The time to live is now. Live for yourself. You deserve everything you allow yourself to receive. You are worth everything you are capable of living. You will never be able to live this moment again.
Life is too short to support idiots. I have always been terrified by watching people’s indifference. I grew up caring about nature and about the people around me. Before the war, I could not even imagine how far indifference could go.
People can be fucking crazy. I hope you don’t know what it is like to see what people write under posts about the suffering of others. When an entire family dies because of a night missile strike, and someone writes that they deserved it. When 5 years ago your reality was jamming with friends on weekends, and now we are all thousands of kilometers away from each other — if free, or if alive… And nobody has their home, and nobody can breathe fully. I hope most people will never know what it is like to have hundreds of nights of dreams about a human safari, where you are the victim and both sides are hunting you. And for millions of people, this is reality. And then some random piece of shit attacks a young girl because she decided to distract herself and go on a short trip, or because she wanted to see her family for a few days. I cannot imagine what dark place someone’s consciousness has to be in to behave like this. But I want to believe there is still a spark even there.
But at the same time, people are incredible, and among them there are my kind of people. It shocks me how wise, devoted, honest, and sincere some of the people I have met in life have been. To see how people do not break. To see how people do not choose the easier path. It inspires me. It resonates with me. And we attract each other.
And if we speak about the future…
My vision of life is quite simple. I am not attracted to the mission of making life multiplanetary. Not when life on this planet is in danger — it is simply not my direction. I do not plan to escape, and I do not need a trillion to feel the joy of being myself.
I am attracted to reality. To the people who support the world we live in — those who do the great small work every day, those because of whom civilization has existed for thousands of years. Those who grow food — not the kind that gives you cancer. Those who build roads and houses — not the ones that collapse from wind and rain. Those who maintain infrastructure.
At 30, I have not achieved something grand. I am not rich, I have no fortune, no awards, I do not even have a home, nobody recognizes me on the street, my posts are not liked by thousands of people, and the list of my achievements will not impress anyone. I fucked up. But I have my life, and while it continues, I will live it, look wider, and dig deeper. And that is more than enough.
Yes, I’ve got about a decade of experience, and I have completed a dozen of projects. Yes, we are developing something that, in my opinion, can be very valuable for the next generation of entrepreneurs. Yes, I really want and need to meet more inspiring partnerships.
The most important thing that happened to me was meeting my true self, feeling who I really am, and letting go of what I am not.
And, oh universe… what a fascinating journey this is!
So I am thirty in just a few hours…
I wish myself to find my people — those who act with intention, those who create “as if for themselves,” those for whom mastery is a form of self-realization, those who do good work even when nobody is watching, those who make mistakes but keep going, those who are more attracted to expression than consumption. Those who are here not only to take and hold, but also to transform and give.
And I wish myself to keep remaining a person who carries light and consciousness, no matter what happens to me in this life from here.